So much to say and no words to say them

I've got so much on my mind this week, I don't even know what's going on. I don't know up from down, left from right, but I'm not finding myself upset with that. I don't know if that should scare me or not. I don't know how anything should make me feel anymore. I guess we can attribute that to my being a person who thrives on the Christmas Spirit and only getting spurts of Christmas Spirit.

It's hard to be happy when you know others are miserable, but at the same time it's easy to be miserable when others are incredibly happy too. Or maybe that's me. Maybe I'm so oppositional, with Devil's advocate always on hand, that I can't let myself feel what others are feeling. They say when it rains it pours. But maybe what I need is a little Christmas Snow to get me moving.

I've got a very important meeting on Monday morning. I'm not ready to get anxious for it yet (either in a good or bad way) but it's definitely altered how I've looked at the last week.  Overall, it's been a good one. So few hiccups I really have no excuse to feel so blah right now.

Ultimately, I'm mad at myself at this point for squandering an entire opportunity to do things I love. Writing, for example. The past few days, all I've wanted to do was write. Write what? I don't know...but the mood has been, well, right. Rather, the setting has been right. The mood, however, has been this warped sense of "make yourself busy, do something, be productive." which of course, remember my oppositional ability, took all the fun out of everything...up to and including, writing.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. That of course means a handsome sum of times watching Love Actually. And I caught myself entirely IN the movie...Passionate, motivated, ready to conquer anything like the Prime Minister going door-to-door, Sam at the airport, Colin Frizzle going to America, Jamie learning Portuguese, or Mark "Christmas Caroling." But no, I find myself being Sarah. In a world where things are within reach, making no effort and trying to use the one thing she can hold on to and love (her brother) as an excuse to avoid doing anything for herself. And thanks to that, I've been unable to let go of my excuse and do something emotionally productive.

I could've done anything I wanted this week. But I didn't. I did feel spurts of amusement, don't get me wrong, I didn't watch movies that I hate. I didn't hate any of the movies I watched either. (yes, check yourself, those two sentences are very different). And, now I'm writing. And it's the thing I've been trying to do...the thing I've been so ashamed to have not been doing lately that I couldn't just reach out and grab something to write with. And it's invigorating. It's like Hugh Grant says, "often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy [...] if you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  Or it's something like that....writing makes me inspired. That's enough for me.

With any luck, this will be the beginning of my return to blogging. I have very VERY badly missed it, even when I didn't have anything to say. And with any more luck, I'll be writing something worth reading in the process (but don't hold your breath, I clearly write for me, not for an audience, hahaha).

VidCon 2014 Thank You Video

Youtube isn't ALL entertainment and monopolized.  There is a movement for actual accomplishments and solving world problems.

Let The Re-"torts" ensue

OK, here we go.  I've given myself a lengthy break from the blogging world to apparently come up with what is probably going to be a hockey fan in Pittsburgh's least favorite blog post in 2014.  I preempt this with my usual "I don't read the news, I avoid as much as possible until I have my own unbiased opinion on a subject" clause. (This makes me think, already, of my post about Mendenhall retiring). But it's hockey, and I definitely have opinions on hockey.

The Pittsburgh Penguins were not just bumped out of the 2014 Stanley Cup Playoffs in Round 2, they were chased off, or so it appears by the fact it looked like they just ran away from the Series.  They had a chance in Game 5 to clinch a spot in the Eastern Conference Finals and await the winner of Boston / Montreal (which was neck-and-neck the entire series, even when it shouldn't have been).  They were at home, in front of a faithful crowd, waving their white flags ...I mean towels... and a huge outdoor crowd watching on the Big Screen. Then, New York got the biggest boost you can get: Your star player loses a family member, and your team is on the brink of elimination. A fire lights under you, and you take your game to MSG on, of all holidays, MOTHER'S DAY. The Pens had chance to show the fans at MSG that it doesn't matter how loud the "sixth man" is, it's about playing hockey. But that wasn't how the game went. Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. St. Louis. Your son led his team to a Game 7 at the Consol against a team who has a pretty hazy Game 7 record. And that game was not meant to be either. An early goal in the first period by Boyle and the Rangers didn't look back.

Now, one might ask, "What happened here?" (one probably DID ask...) I know you guys who have been keeping up with me know my feelings towards the Columbus Blue Jackets, my predictions for the post season, and so on.  So, it shouldn't surprise you that I was actually a wee bit surprised when Pittsburgh pulled past Columbus in round one.  Was I rooting against Pittsburgh? Not really, but I wasn't rooting against Columbus either. I wanted a hard-fought series where the Jackets show they belong in the Eastern Conference and mark some territory in the playoffs.

But what happened? Evegeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby didn't really show up in the goal scoring column.  They got points, don't get me wrong, but I can't even tell you how many times I heard rants about these two needing to step up and score goals.  The first four games were a final score 4-3, two of which went to OT.  It wasn't that the Pens were having a lack of scoring, they were getting goals out of their other players, which I think is awesome, considering two players don't make a team, whether they score goals or not.  Can they stop the puck? Block the puck? I don't really know. I had very little contact with televised games this playoff season. A fan who likes hockey moreso than teams will tell you that the games that go down to the wire are the most fun to watch.  A fan who has favorite teams gets to know a bottle of Pepto pretty well in a series like that. The teams went back and forth.... PGH, CBJ, PGH, CBJ, PGH, PGH.

Fleury got his (un)fair share of controversial speculation. Should he have came out of the net to play the puck? Should he have waited for his defense to bail him out? Should he ____?  Is he worth putting in for Game _?  And then there's Sid, who thinks it's funny to have to defend his goalie all the time. I think it's funny that nobody defended him during "Sidney Crosby hasn't scored a goal in __ playoff games" rant.  Yeah he's your team captain. I get that.  But Captains aren't there to score goals so much as encourage the team to succeed. To energize them. To do everything short of put on spanks and make a pyramid of clapping fools.  That's what I never really heard about Sid:  How motivational he was for his team during the playoffs. He shouldn't be worried about how many games before he scores, nor should he hear about it. If he's making feeds to guys that are open and the team is winning, he is doing one thing...promoting a TEAM atmosphere.  One thing about the Red Wings I always loved is that EVERYBODY contributes and nobody took the heat, aside from Osgood and his 1998 bout with soft goals, but even still, he went out there and said "everybody gets bad breaks, everybody gets bad bounces" and the team moved on.  When you're in the playoffs, you shouldn't be pointing fingers as much as pointing to the future, get over it without letting it manifest. The Jackets played a hard series, and lost at home, but they had a team in the crowd as well, people proud of their boys for making it that far. Upset for not prevailing, yes, but not devastated and overlooking the accomplishments of this brand new team to the eastern conference. It's not supposed to be easy when you go up against the 2nd place team in the conference, first in the division, but the Jackets put up one hell of a fight. Then the Pens lost on home ice.  It's both very cool to me and pretty disappointing that a team with home ice advantage could do better on the road in the playoffs.

So where do we go from here?  What can we take from this?  Well, one thing I look at is the importance of Sid and Malkin.  I really should emphasize that the way I mean.... Yes, they're both very important pieces to the organization. They are both big money tickets where Salary goes. But how important is it to have Sid and Malkin? I have been living in Pittsburgh for 3 years or so now. One thing I noticed when I started watching Pens hockey was in the first season I saw either Crosby was out with concussion or Malkin was out. There was very little dual action.  Same thing seemed to happen last year, with Sid needing facial reconstructive surgery for a puck to the face, and Malkin seemed to be out of the lineup quite frequently this season.  Well, all three years the Pens made it to the playoffs, right?  They didn't really get a good jump on Philly a couple years ago, they did not play MENS hockey against Boston, and they got chased away by the Rangers this year.  I would propose that having so much power on one bench is sort of detrimental to the team. When either of the two figureheads were out, the team pulled together and dug in their heels. They played hard so their big players would have something to come back to. It seems to me that you can't function when you have two figureheads.  Who do you look to for leadership?  And where is your defense? If you don't have Fleury standing on his head stopping everything, you get 4 Goals scored on you in 2 of 6 games in round one, 3 Goals against in 3 of 6, and one game that actually made sense for a dig in your heels hockey game.

Every year the focus shifts from the players who didn't come through for the team to the GM and coaches who didn't buy the right team, or teach the right plays, or do what the captain was apparently incapable of -- motivation.  For a team that seemed to make more trips to the penalty box than to center ice after a tally, who do you look to to calm your team down?  If you haven't picked up on it yet, I say the number one speech would come from the captain of your team.  Maybe because I grew up watching a team captained by Steve Yzerman and Nick Lidstrom, (and has been to the playoffs for 23 consecutive years). Stevie and Nick didn't have to be top scorers in the League, they had to have the drive to push a team through three plus periods though 80 some plus games, and be role models for the newbies.  Yzerman started in 1983. By 1990, the Wings were a force to be reckoned with year after year.

So, I'm putting off the statement that I suspect would cause an uproar if I actually had a huge following on this here blog.  I think that Pittsburgh should bring in John Tortorella. I mean, he was born with a fire under his ass when it comes to hockey.  He may not be the most loved (recently fired) coach in the NHL, and he considers the Pens Organization to be "one of the most arrogant...in the league," so it's not like he'd come in and baby a team who just got their hearts ripped out in the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  He is a defensive coach, in two ways.  Obviously, he's always on the defensive, but he emphasizes the importance of shots not getting TO the net. Logic: if shots don't make it to the goalie, he can't screw up and miss the puck. He has a passion for hockey that I've always enjoyed. I mean, you don't chase an opposing coach to the locker room after a BS first second throw down if you don't have a passion for your team.  You say, "Screw it, we probably deserved it."  No, he's got character. Whether he's loved for the passion he has for the game or detested for his means of approach to the game, he's still got what it takes to take a team who needs a Crosby AND a Malkin to even be close to making it to the playoffs.

Dusk (a poem)

Dusk,
you are my knight in shining armor--
the whisper soaring through the sapphire sky,
driving my dreams, you are my compass.

Dusk,
a reason to make it through the day--
faith to find the needle in the hay,
but never a word do you say.

Dusk,
you are the shadow without the doubt--
the cloud that brings cool without the rain,
chasing my anger, you are my phoenix.

Dusk,
a rustic house of pebbles and stone,
linen dried as the sun shown,
now it's you and I alone.

Dusk,
you are the raven to my Poe--
nevermore, my dear Lenore,
scribbling my thoughts, you are my journal.

Dusk,
the winding, slippery slope--
I careen as you hope
I'm looking through my telescope.

Happy Easter

Christ Has Risen!  

When Excuses Fail

"I just don't feel like it" can only take you so far in life.  I mean, if everything you don't feel like doing doesn't get done on account of "I don't feel like it," then nothing would ever get done, no accomplishments would be made, and nothing would ever move forward.  And I guess it can be argued that not everybody wants to move forward...that even progress can be subjected to "I don't feel like it," but where does even that get you? Progressively further away from the point where you felt like doing things, wanted to do anything, etc.  So where does apathy come in? I mean, just because you don't feel like doing something doesn't mean you don't care about it....does it?   Or maybe it does. I don't really know.  Just something I've been dealing with this month, I guess.  I haven't felt like doing much of anything. And it wasn't that I didn't want to, I just didn't feel like I had any motivation to.  And I can't even believe that April has nearly gone by. Time is moving incredibly fast, I guess. And I just want to dig my heels in and say, "Wait for me!" but I don't really see that happening.

Cue, Boston. And Boston. And Boston.

Day By Day

Today was the day I decided to change over my dry erase calendar.  Now, I am absolutely horrible at keeping that sucker up to date. And I don't know if part of it is lazy, forgetful, or psychosomatic. See, I used to be pretty good at keeping up on it.  Then August 2012 happened. I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and I had a very poor lapse in judgement that could have cost me my life had I been any less cautious. (Never mix medication and alcohol, even if you don't think you take a high dose and you don't plan to drink a whole lot..things very rarely work out the way you plan when you're caught up in a moment like that).  It's something I'll have to live down forever, especially when there are people who have vowed to never let me forget, be it an inability to forgive or it just being "funny" or I don't know what.  Long story short, it was a huge thing and I have a hard time even forgiving myself for it, but I'm moving on day by day.

I finally decided to change my dry erase calendar again in late March of 2013. It was "March-April 2013" and the last week on the calendar was the week of April 15, 2013.  This happens to be the day of the Boston Marathon bombing which affected a very close, very dear friend of mine. It really isn't my story to tell, but I can share how I remember the day.  It was misty/rainy and I had to work, which I don't do on Mondays.  I had to get a cell phone from the office in Green Tree with one of my residents. We went to Wendy's for lunch and got the Asagio Chicken Sandwiches. On the way back I was telling my resident about my friend is running in a marathon and I had signed up for text messages to get checkpoint updates.  He thought that was the coolest thing (I think it is the coolest thing too) and he wanted to do one too.  I had told him that he was going to be doing the Highmark Walk in a couple weeks, and that would be pretty close (1K fun walk = 26.2 miles.  Don't question my math....ever).

Well, the rest of the story probably tells itself. Sitting on the couch watching FRIENDS, keeping an eye on my checkpoint update text messages, I happen to hop onto Facebook. Somebody I went to high school with had posted something along the lines of "bombing at the Boston marathon? what is the world coming to?" I flipped over to a local news channel (probably having to check the TV guide to see what channel the news was on....Who do you think I am? somebody who watches the news?) and sure enough, I saw the replays on the TV, smoke in the air, people running -- away, not in any way "Marathony" -- and crying and screaming....and I was frozen... because when you only have one way to get ahold of somebody you care for and it is by far not the best, fastest, or smartest thing to utilize, you shut down.  Then, you go back to the message that said the person you are tracking has finished the race.  And you find a Facebook post indicating that the person is OK, considering, and you still subject yourself to the news coverage until you're convinced that FRIENDS is a much better thing to be watching.

As chance would have it, I recently updated my dry erase calendar again. It was fairly ironic, since I hadn't really paid much attention as I did it til I noticed what had happened, that It was pretty much a year later that I updated.  I had March-April 2014, which went up to the end of this week. Today, I updated it again...as a way to get myself back into the habit of knowing the actual date....being in the right year....so that when I am on the phone with somebody and I go "What is today? 2014?" and completely invalidate my entire credibility. But it takes a lot for me not to think that updating my calendar is related to traumatic events.  Clearly I change the dates before shit happens, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

But it's something, that every traumatic event....and by no means am I saying these events were only traumatic to me, mostly traumatic to me, or traumatic in any similar fashion to people closer to some of these events...can only be dealt with day by day.  And nobody should ever expect more from somebody. Everyone deals with everything in their own way.  You can't make me forgive myself for my cousin's wedding day debacle any earlier than I am ready to accept and move past it...I have to take it day by day. And the terrifying memories of Bostonians will not go away at the drop of a hat, if ever, but day by day they will find themselves. They will find themselves as they are, not how some terrorist decided to define them. They are Boston Strong, and they are truly heroic.

If I could tell the city of Boston one thing, it would probably have something to do with my post yesterday. Never Say Never. Don't give up on being you because without you, the world would not be the same. You're still here, you're a survivor, and you are exactly who you need to be.  As you take your place at the starting line next week, just know that you're amazing and your accomplishments outweigh your fears and doubts.  As you line the streets to cheer on friends and family, just know that you're amazing and your support stifles so much hate in the world.  As you move on, day by day, know that you're amazing, because you're Boston, and that's all you need to be.

Never Say Never

However many years ago, when I heard that Justin Beiber released a song called "Never Say Never," I was unbelievably upset to find out that this child star had not re-done on of the coolest songs, second only to "Somewhere Out There," from the greatest movie ever: An American Tail.  I, of course, refused to listen to this or any other song of his based solely on this disapproved trick of a song title.

I mean, who can compete with a duet sung by a mouse and some pigeons?  Certainly not Justin Beiber.

I really only wanted to say one small thing today, and probably a really big thing tomorrow.  I've structured myself as a person to do things in my time and at my pace as much as possible, and I've been preparing mentally the post that will likely happen tomorrow, and I only hope it comes out in black and white the same as it is internally.  

But today, folks, all I want to tell you is....  Don't be who you think others want you to be....they don't know you any better than YOU know you.....and the people who really love YOU....don't love their perceptions of you, they unconditionally love the person you ARE.  And that's why you should never say "never."  Because you don't know what you're "never" going to be able to accomplish....but it won't happen if you don't try.  My phone sent me a fortune cookie today that read: Don't be afraid to try new things. The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. Sounded pretty solid to me.

And for the record, if I didn't spell Justin Beiber right (three times now), I don't think it will hurt my feelings or his. :)

A Case Of The Mondays

It's an awkward thing, isn't it?  Mondays.  They have such an indescribable power over people. The first day of the work week ... should it be that rough?

Well, for me, I don't work on Mondays.  But I did today.  And I got a taste of what is probably considered the "case of the Mondays."  I went to make copies.  After debating, the number 25 sounded like the right way to go.  Why is it, then, that when I went to punch in "25" first of all nothing happened?  Well, naturally, the copy machine was set to "Fax."  Quick fax fix, punch copy, then hit 2-3.  Wait, what?  Whoops.  Oh well, 23 still rounds up to 25, right?

Then, after my duties were just about finished, it starts pouring down rain.  Yep, apartment windows are open.  The difference there is... when I got home, both blinds were shut so there was no problem and I kept the windows open for most of the day

So I get home, hop on the computer to peruse the internet like I always do.... and all of a sudden, my computer doesn't want to type letters.  Every time I hit F the find box came up in the corner, none of the other letters did anything.   Turns out all you have to do to fix that is hit the control key.  Glad I figured that one out before I had to involve the Geek Squad.

But Mondays aren't really that problematic, are they?  I mean....cool things can happen on Mondays too?  I mean most of the time I don't work, so that takes half the battle out of the equation already, right?  I don't think the day of the week has a whole lot to do with it though.  Because going back to work on Tuesdays (normally) feels just about as rough.  But in certain lines of work, every day feels like "Monday."  I know in my job, you don't take a single day for granted, especially a slow one where you can afford to have an oops, because that is never guaranteed.  Tomorrow isn't guaranteed in life, let alone work, so I guess we should at least be grateful we have jobs to screw up at on Mondays, right? It's like that song says... "oblah di oblah dah life goes on"  (yeah I heard that on the radio today, not kidding).

Celebration of Betrayal

Here it is, my piece from last year where I reflect on Palm Sunday and Holy Week. I apparently have no concept of copy and paste when it comes to Blogger, so here are some festive colors (hopefully).

"Celebration of Betrayal" 

Yep, here we are again....the most intense week of the year.  Today is Palm Sunday -- the most symbolic "Best Day Ever" Christians will probably ever want to celebrate.   Now, I know you're thinking "well, Christmas, duh..." But no, there was no PARTY on that day...  Palm Sunday is the Christian Party Day. Today's the day Jesus comes riding in on the donkey, everyone hoopin' and hollerin' and carryin' on as if nobody else in the world matters at that particular point in time.  We need this day.  This day sets off the seed of darkness (I call it red and black, but I don't expect a bandwagon on that one) and gets the ball rolling on the most epic stories ever told. 

Here's Jesus coming in to celebrate Passover.  He gets a young donkey and rides it into town.  Palm branches just swaying, and praises coming from the crowd.  "Hosanna!" "Blessed is the King of Israel!"  (John 12:13). I'm imagining something of a JFK scenario here.  A man of the people meeting with the people, probably waving and showing gratitude as any loving messiah would do.  But in the back of his mind, that seed of doubt is rooting.  I mean, he knows why he's there - don't get me wrong.  I'm just saying that had Palm Sunday not went so "Best Day Ever," that fear we see in Jesus later in the week may not be so strong. 

But here we are...  Palm Sunday.  Party of the year. You get where you're going and you say, "wow that was AWESOME!"  Cue the Red and Black.  This party becomes just a blur. 

Role Playing Time.  Put yourself at dinner with 12 people that you absolutely trust no matter what.  People who would take beatings, things thrown at them, and not give up on being YOUR friend, no matter who told them what about you or calls them foolish for hanging out with you. You have absolute undefinable respect for these people.  You show your gratitude by humbling yourself in front of them.  By becoming a servant to their needs.  You look around the room...and there....THERE'S THE ONE!  YOU KNOW THAT FACE!  THAT'S THE ONE WHO IS SEALING YOUR FATE -- BOUGHT OUT BY A BRIBE IN A MOMENT OF MISTAKEN PRESTIGE.  This person, now you see him, is what?  A Friend?  A Foe?  Welcome?  Still?  Really?  You're that close.  You become a servant to him. You look him in the eyes, you see his fear...you see him wondering if you know...Oh yes, you know! But you keep going.  This man is going to be famous, that's what he wants. He wants to be the one who turned you over to the authorities for being who you say you are.  If you stop him, you came to this world for nothing.

As the guest of honor even yet, you make a toast.  You tell your friends, "I'll see you on the other side."  And, "Don't you forget about me," and of course you just have to tell them that one of them will have your blood on his hands for the rest of his life. 

I couldn't imagine being in the room with the person who was going to sell me out and give me up, and ultimately be the reason I wind up dead.  The seed of doubt is growing.  At this point, Jesus takes some of his disciples to his favorite spot to pray.  He asks them ONE thing.  ONE SIMPLE THING!  Stay up and wait for me.  Now look what happens.  They keep falling asleep. 

The next part happens so fast!  Coming out of prayer, kissed by Judas, seized by guards, someone loses an ear, "here let me put that back for you," blindfolds you and off into the night, and your Right Hand Man denies ever knowing you...three times.

We all know the rest of the story.  This is the part I get stuck on though.  How can one man spend so long teaching, healing, loving, and being such a role model that his closest friends stop their daily life.  They quit their jobs, they leave their families and just GO...with Jesus.  Such a strong belief.  Such a bond. And to give it all up for some silver coins or fear of persecution?  It's true though, isn't it?  The world we live in now... Betrayal.  Cheating.  Lying.  Scheming.  What can I do to get ahead?   And ultimately, that's what we are CELEBRATING this week.  We are celebrating that even those closest to Jesus were still human.  They had that "Free Will" we talk so much about.  Jesus Pardoned prisoners on the cross while he was dying.  He paid the ultimate price for our sins. 

"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"   These words live on forever!  And we should do the same.   Without sin, there can be no forgiveness.  Forgiveness is the backbone of Love, Faith, and Hope.  Without Love, Faith, and Hope, we cannot forgive. 

Now as I am writing this, a song has come into my head.  And I believe it is God telling me to include it.  The song, I'm sure you're all familiar with... is a song that I've loved for as long as I can remember. And I feel like it could be the words of Jesus through Holy Week.  

I'm using this video because the original from last year has become private. I didn't see this video when I wrote this but I like that somebody has the some thought process as I do :) The Passion of the Christ.

 If you read this far, I truly appreciate it.  I woke up very much in the mood to write this down.  I love each and every one of you.  Please enjoy this holiday week, but please don't forget WHY we're here celebrating it. 

One Week

In one week, I will have to make a decision. I made the decision on March 5 to blog daily as my lent project. I gave up "not blogging every day," technically.  I've found that even though I sometimes post a little after midnight and my general "post time" is between 11pm and midnight I still find the time I put effort into doing these daily blogs.  And even on days where all I have to offer is a "journal" type entry, it's still writing, and that's what I wanted to do with my life.

I guess I bring that up to acknowledge that Holy Week starts tomorrow.  I'm going to make my "Celebration of Betrayal" post an annual thing. Last year, I posted it on Facebook in a note on Palm Sunday, and I feel like it is something I wouldn't mind having as a tradition. I'm pretty proud of it. But you'll see that tomorrow.

I think I might go to my bar and watch the final game of the regular season for the Pittsburgh Penguins.  If I watch the Red Wings game and the Bruins game, it will be the second consecutive day I watched three hockey games in one day. I did that today. Pens, Bruins, and Blue Jackets. With seven minutes left and the game in favor of Columbus, it is looking like the Jackets will meet the Pens in the first round of the playoffs. ....which means the Red Wings will meet the Bruins. I think I will save my opinions, predictions, and "pretending I know a thing or two about hockey" for a blog next week where I can compile all my thoughts for all the series match ups. I just have to remember to go back and fill out my bracket on NHL.com (come on, are you really surprised?)

As always, "it's a great day for hockey."

This is your fair warning

People that know me pretty well know that I am about to become an absolute neurotic mess.  In less than one week, the NHL playoffs will begin. I go absolutely off the deep end every year when the playoffs start.  I used to work at a home that had 3 TVs. I had 2 of them on different hockey games and had my TV on CBC for when I got out of work so I wouldn't miss any more hockey than I had to.  Since the Red Wings have been in the playoffs for the past 23 years consecutively, I also had my radio preset to the hockey game so I only had to turn my vehicle on to be tuned back in.

I now have a record setting short distance between work and home.  However, I don't have cable.  I do, however have a Penguins team that topped the division, which means I can head to the local bar and get my traditional hockey game meal.  And you may or may not be hearing about hockey every single day for the next two months. I can't tell the future, but I have seen my past.

Just don't say I didn't warn you. This doesn't mean don't stop by.  Just be prepared, if you feel the need, to "fast forward" past what will likely be a daily update on the games I caught, along with a potential transition into baseball.  But, I will continue to add specks of creative writing and other things like I have been.

If you see me in person, good luck to you, ha.  You're better off asking me what's going on in hockey to get it out of my system.  I would be better off that way too since you will likely be the only person to ask me.  I'm not talking to any specific person here, but on any given day I only see 2-3 people. That will change when I frequent "my bar" for the playoffs.  But if the Wings play the Pens in Round 1, I might a) be a nervous wreck b) go to the Trib Big Screen (provided I can FIND the daggone thing) c) listen to the games on the radio at home (that way if I wear my Datsyuk jersey it won't get me kicked out of my bar).  

Orion's Belt

Whenever I find myself outside at night, I'm always looking for Orion. I don't know why that particular constellation has stuck with me for the past ten or so years, since I took Astronomy in my freshman semester at Delta College.  But, no matter where I am I find myself looking for the three distinct stars shaping Orion's belt, the cluster forming his sword, Betelgeuse ("armpit of the great one"). Following his armpit, you find him fighting Taurus. Three more distinct stars. Following his shoulder, you run into --- I forget if it is Ursa Major or Ursa Minor. I believe the line takes you all the way to the North Star.  I suppose if I found my planesphere (as that is so much easier than the internet quite literally at my fingertips as we speak?) I could tell for sure.

Sometimes I don't realize how much I was influenced by this astronomy class. That is, until one of my residents at work walks me to my car and points to the sky asking me to find Orion for him, which we have done on several occasions I guess.  Like I said... I find myself always looking for Orion, so this must have happened hundreds of times over the past few years.... or at least a hundred times? We could follow a logical strain of events, but that would lead to math....and I hate math.

Today I talked with my buddy about why we couldn't see Orion tonight specifically.  Seeing as I didn't have my planesphere (which I went into great detail to explain to him, and he was very VERY good at humoring me or he really did follow exactly what I was saying), I opted to draw diagrams ... with my finger on the hood of my car, which neither of us could see because there was no condensation and the garage light was too bright. That led me to explaining light pollution and how if we really wanted to look at cool stars we'd have to find a really dark place so all we could see was the moon and stars.  Then I decided to use body diagrams to explain how the earth rotates on an axis as it revolves around the sun. I let him be the sun.  That was cool.  Especially when he started spinning in circles because I was.

I don't know why I decided to write about this today.  It was just a pretty cool experience I had, I guess.  There aren't many things I feel like I know enough about to go into such great detail, but it was one of those moments where you sit back after it all happens and think, "wow, I really did learn something that stuck." And I think it's cool that somebody actually SEEMS to want to learn something based on my knowledge of the subject.  I feel like I could have gone on and on for an hour about the stars today.

And to think, most people just think of Men In Black when they hear "Orion's Belt."

Burning Down The House

Today at writer's group we had a prompt that sprang from a picture. We were prompted to write about what we see in the picture.  It was a run-down two story house protected with thorny bushes and "no trespassing" signs.  This is what came from my brain.  I am thinking about messing with it a little, making it longer and more developed maybe... or keeping it as is... I don't often get back to projects once I've let them sit for more than a few minutes without attention.

"Burning Down The House"

It was Thursday. I could tell by the clickity clack of Denise's crochet needles. What would it be this time? A scarf? It's 92 degrees outside. A blanket? It's 92 degrees outside. A vest? I have 92. But, clickity clack, clack clack clack.

It's all bull.

I spend my time in the fields. Busting my hump while she clickity clacks away. I harvest the wheat in 92 degree heat. What does she do? Clickity clack, clack clack clack.

How many miles of yarn has she spun now? Story after story about how when she was younger all she heard was clickity clack, clack clack clack. Wearing those UNGODLY vests.  Couches covered in HORRENDOUS afghans. But no, she sits there, telling her stories while I bust my hump in 92 degree heat harvesting the wheat.

How much can she talk? Yak, yak, yackity yak. Talking about the stories -- I bet they aren't true. Who would spend time in 92 degree heat when we have machines with air conditioning? Talk Talk Talk, does she even take time to drink any water? Can't she be like a normal grandma who crochets and talks to her grand-kids through cookies and milk?

All we do is sit in the air conditioning, looking at pictures of what used to be. Complaining about what might have been, but as always, there is no trespassing on the past.

We are the CTFxC

I don't know what's going on in the Internet world.  I try to keep to myself -- at least when it comes to trying to have my own unbiased and uninfluenced opinion when things happen, I only try to find the source of the information and go from there.

So today's topic is one that I feel falls in a category of "publicly private."  As you may or may not know, one of my past times includes watching a few daily vlogs on YouTube. I primarily follow the CTFxC, which is "The Charles Trippy Friend (x) Core."  The Trippy Family (Charles, Alli, Zoey, Marley, and the newly acquired Chico) has been vlogging for over 1800 days straight and currently hold the Guinness World Record for most consecutive days of vlogging.

Today's vlog announced the "publicly private" news that the couple is separating.  Now, I understand this is a "So what" kind of thing to those of you who don't watch the vlogs.  I understand that you probably don't care, and as such, I don't expect you to follow this particular post.  But, on the off chance that members of the CTFxC come across this blog, I feel like I want to put my thoughts out there.  (and it's my blog and I can do what I want to ha)

We Are The CTFxC

Charles, Alli, you're both two of the most inspirational people in my life. To see you go through the trials of life day in and day out, especially as "the nasty C word" has been draining every last bit of energy you have, you've persevered to keep us in the loop.

You've found ways to be positive, Charles, as you've gotten sick...the trauma of seizures when you don't know they're coming or why they chose you of all people to hang on to.  You've turned to us for positive re-enforcement and I hope that you continue to get the positive vibes from this FAMILY you've created over the internet.  Yes, YOU. You say all the time about how this started off as kind of a joke, and you're surprised how big it got.

And Alli, you've been so kickass when it comes to supporting Charles.  With the band, and getting sick, everything.  And most recently your compassion has shown through with what I can best call "The Chico Story." You're a great person who gives everything you've got and puts it all into everything you put your mind to.

It sickens me that not very long ago (days...well, nights I suppose makes more sense) I had a dream that you guys weren't getting along...that things weren't going well, and you were splitting up.  That made today's vlog a little hard to swallow.  But that's how much you guys mean to me, I guess.  You're in my dreams literally and not in this big spotlight "better than the average joe" type thing either. You guys are ... real ... and it's refreshing in this world where all we need is a "normal" role model.

But we are the CTFxC, and Alli, you're a big part of it -- with or without the "T." I sincerely hope that the bond is still there for you to hang out and be friends.  I applaud you both for the maturity you have had in this announcement.  And as a person who has seen their fair share of married friends bicker and bicker and bicker (etc., etc., etc.) I'm thankful that you were able to keep that away from us.  They say "ignorance is bliss" and as much as I hate to believe it, it's especially true here with "we have no back story."

I feel impartial here.  Unbiased, and I will love you both equally and continue to subscribe, view, and thumbs up your vlogs, posts, videos, and lives as a whole. And though I doubt you'll actually read this, and I doubt many members of the CTFxC will either, I just want to put my uninfluenced two cents out there. But, please, don't say you're sorry or anything like that.  You don't owe us that.  Your internet life and your personal life are allowed to be different, and you are allowed to be you. You're allowed to do what's right for you. And we like you for you (Hey, Leonardo). Because you're REAL.

Love and Support and still looking forward to everything y'all still have to offer. And offering anything y'all need from a friend in Pittsburgh.

Baggage

[potential excerpt from something potentially in the works]

Thunder rumbles in the sky as the trees sway back and forth. The gust is not quite as heavy as I would have imagined, but when you're carrying as much on your shoulders as I am, no wind is a good wind.  The narrow path winds in the dark, the piercing white lighting filtering in the clouds is the only visual reminder that there is, in fact, ground in front of me.

Do I run? Walk? Has anybody even noticed?  Nobody seems to be looking for me, but I cover my face with my arm anyways as I make my way through the campus.  I suppose running won't get me anywhere faster if I have no destination.

Rewind:  How did I get here?  Even I don't know that.

My breath is heavy, a light cloud forms every time I exhale.  It's not very often it storms like this in the winter. I breathe out slowly, to watch the cloud rise up into the storm. No, nobody is following me. They haven't seemed to notice that I am carrying a backpack that doesn't belong to me. I don't know what's in there, but I know that it's no worse off with than with the person I took it from. I know it was wrong. But hunger makes you do crazy things sometimes. Or maybe it was a spastic vision?  I've still got time to work on my excuses, but for now I better just keep on moving.

I don't regret stealing this, anything to leave my backpack for somebody else to carry around.  I can't stand the weight on my shoulders anymore.  I would much rather carry somebody else's load than my own. School wasn't what I thought it would be. You don't learn anything for free.  Every lesson comes with a price. But every fee doesn't promise a lesson.  And there's not always a moral to the story.

Playoff Picture

I'm spending this Sunday evening watching the Columbus Blue Jackets steamroll the New York Islanders.  It's been a pretty good game -- fights, power plays, power play goals, and several Ohioan commercials.  Columbus is a young team and they are dominating a team from New York, which is enough for me.  Never hurts to root for the little guy.

If the season ended today, the Blue Jackets would be in the playoffs in the Eastern Conference. With any luck, they can hop into #7, Detroit to #6, and Philly to #8 or lower... I would rather see somebody I want to lose play against Boston in the first round.  I'm not saying I would hate to see the Penguins win, but I don't get upset if they lose.  I really haven't followed them this year. Not by design, I just normally catch Pens games at work and haven't been able to this year due to Family Feud being apparently an integral piece of the evening. I'm not bitter.  I went to see them play this pre-season, so that was worth giving up the televised regular season.  And I will soon be reunited with an overabundance of trips to the local pub to watch games and eat BLTs. Yes, I have a playoff hockey tradition. I can't wait for playoffs to start!

This just in, the Jackets have SHUT OUT the Islanders 4-0.  Now to put a regular old Penguins Fan hex on the Flyers.  (pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!)  ....and watch some House, M.D. on Netflix.

What's So Wrong With Oliver Trask?

We're past the ten year mark.  We're probably roughly to the point where The OC has completed or will soon have completed its first season ten years ago.  I am listening to "Untitled" by Simple Plan and as my natural reaction has become thinking of The EmOC, I am now in that nostalgic mode thinking about the show that encompassed my life ten years ago and created some pretty strong relationships in my life.

I take you back to August of 2003. I was about to start my second year of college, probably still at Delta. I had just started working at Taco Bell about six months prior and was dealing with the transitional life of all my friends from high school still being there...I had accumulated "Freshmen Pets" my senior year, and well, you know how math goes.  I hate math. TV comes on and there's this commercial where this prissy little snot says "who are you?" and this kid in a nice coat smoking a cigarette says "whoever you want me to be."  I don't know how...but THAT along with "I am not going to let a criminal into our house" absolutely hooked me.  I couldn't have told you then what the show was going to be about, but I know that our family vacation to the mall in Troy was the same day it started.  I saw ads for it at the mall, and was absolutely GEEKED. Why?  I have no idea.  When we got home, I busted into the living room to get FOX on so I could watch this show that had somehow enticed me. I missed the first five or ten minutes.  When the pilot was over, I saw there would be an encore the next week.  I missed the same five or ten minutes then, but I was HOOKED.

The OC actually introduced me to the blogging world.  I remember writing responses to the episodes almost every week and being flooded with all kinds of good, bad, and ugly comments. Especially when it involved either Teresa and the baby, Kaitlin Cooper's transformation into Willa Holland, or what must have been something I was particularly proud of where I felt the need to "rally the troops" and remind them that so what if the characters had different boyfriends and girlfriends and how we were fans of the SHOW not necessarily the teenage romances. And then, of course, there was Oliver.

I can't think of a single positive thing on the internet during the ten year anniversary spectaculars.  So, let me, for the sake of nostalgia, and Natalie, and because why would I want to do something when everybody else is doing it as opposed to taken the unbeaten path to the beat of my own drummer?

Oliver Trask: My Defense Mechanism

Oliver Trask sits in the waiting room of the Psych office  In comes Marissa Cooper, who has recently OD'd in TJ, shoplifted, and can't seem to find a good time that doesn't involve a clear and alcoholic beverage.  Her father is a crook, her mom can't seem to value family over getting ahead in life.  Then there's her boyfriend who can't seem to go a very long time without punching somebody, and lives with your next door neighbor -- who happens to be head over heels for your best friend, who has her own set of problems -- and an ex boyfriend who can't seem to know when enough is enough.  Not to mention her dad's history with said neighbor's mother. Marissa is Social Chair, she is so popular she probably gets her chair wiped down before she has a seat in Math Class.  But Oliver is the bad guy here, I forget.

He does what, exactly, to merit being considered such a horrible person?  Marissa is in the psych office for being so miserable. Forced there as a deal to move in with her father, it should have been no big deal. She just wanted to do her part, right? And then she meets a friend.  A friend who happens to be a pathological liar, but he said it himself, "You met me in therapy, remember?"  Oliver Trask: The friend who takes the gang to see Rooney, takes them golfing, gets them out in the real world, as opposed to beach parties with too much drinking, pool houses full of fornication and what not, and ... back stage to meet the band?  OK, so he has a sour drug deal, and winds up in juvy for a hot minute, til Sandy Cohen comes and saves the day.

And no, I'll give you he's not the greatest influence... ditching school and all.  But his big "crime" was his obsession over Marissa to those haters out there. The haters that couldn't stand a Ryan and Marissa break up, which did happen. Constant reminders that they are from two different worlds, and I don't particularly believe that Oliver and Marissa would have been a successful couple either, don't put those words in my mouth, those words did, however get Oliver a punch in the mouth.  Got Ryan suspended.  And for what?  What did Ryan even win out of the whole "trying to prove he was right, Oliver can't be trusted" thing?  Again, WE ALL MET OLIVER AT THE SAME PLACE --- THERAPY.  But, after a few virgin Mojitos, what was there to hate about him?  He showed nothing but compassion in the beginning. He did really seem to be the only one who cared about Marissa's feelings after all.  Ryan was too stuck up on how he hates New Year's, Kirsten's sister shows up from God Knows Where, locking the boys in the pool house, and so on and so forth, and Summer Roberts, Marissa's BEST FRIEND is ... hung up on Seth Cohen?  She can't believe it.  So, no surprise, the boy from therapy gives and gets the real Marissa....somebody I don't think we even get until we go back and watch the entire series ten years later.

So, what is it then? Are we against Oliver because he was trying to break up Ryan and Marissa?  I mean Ryan broke up Marissa and Luke...and apparently tried to break up Marissa and Alex, and Marissa and Volchuk. Are we against Oliver because of the whole faking suicide attempts, pulling a gun on Marissa? Last I checked one was an attempt to get Marissa as his girlfriend, and one was the ... real?... suicide attempt when he didn't get her.  And let's not forget here.... Ryan was the only thing that "caused" and also "fixed" the problems here... then decided that he couldn't love Marissa anymore.  He dumped her like cold egg-drop-soup in time for Valentine's Day.

Need I remind you we're talking about a girl in therapy here?  She was oblivious to being seduced by Oliver, thought he was trying to kill himself when he was the only one who asked about her life...be it they met in therapy, she needed somebody to be social with besides a therapist, right?  And Ryan was so worried about finding dirt on Oliver, he never really saw Marissa as more than a trophy to keep...and then she got dumped after watching her new found friend put a gun to his own head and have a nervous breakdown.  Then Ryan hooks up with Teresa (who I was never a fan of, and I know I got lots of slack about that)
and more than likely gets her pregnant, then runs away to Chino.

So, when we see this the next fall, we're expected to believe that's Oliver's fault?  I think not.  Should have just that fizzle out into another one of her failed relationships in life and she could be sad instead of ... dead... by the end of it all.

Adjectively Speaking

Feet firmly in hot shoes, toes barely reaching the carpet floor, I sit back on the couch. Blankly staring at the TV as my eyes shift quickly between the computer screen and the Detroit Red Wings / Buffalo Sabres hockey game. There's less than a minute left, 53.3 seconds to be exact, and the Wings just iced the puck. The net is empty 200 ft from where the action is about to take place when the time out is over. Datsyuk is back.

My feet are burning n these shoes, but they are cool and wet from the rainy doorstep I had to walk through to get home, my legs too short to step over the puddle.  The wind was furious, howling as I tried to find the light switch on my right coming in the door. Patrick sat on the bottom stair waiting patiently, greeting me in the dark.

The Red Wings have won the game. A referee has retired.  Detroit is howling, like the wind outside my door, as their playoff potential has become a little more solidified. I hope that Columbus makes it too. They lost today, I hear.

I become chilly as I settle in for the night. Goosebumps run from my elbows to my shoulders, down to my fingertips as I become distracted with television but still type my blog for the night, which appears to be getting longer but does not appear to be very long at all.

Maybe I should change my socks.

One Of Those Weeks

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't feel like getting out of bed?  Where everything you do should be able to be done from the comfort of your pajamas, or the convenience of a dream in the middle of the afternoon?   Have you ever just been so run down from a lack of running around that you feel absolutely lost, aimless, goalless, and overall tired?

I'm finding myself in the midst of an entire week like that.  Last week was so jam packed that I couldn't tell up from down, work from home, or hockey from basketball.  This week things fell so back to normal that I constantly have been feeling like I'm missing something. But what I found happened is that instead of my body going into slow down mode, it went into shut down mode.

For the first time since November, I have not done my workout program at all this week. I find this absolutely shameful, since last week I worked an extra day and managed to do the workouts every single morning, which is a feat I had not accomplished at all during this particular program. Last week, I found time to eat something....anything.... but this week, nothing sounds good. I haven't even felt hungry, and today is Thursday going on Friday.

I feel absolutely exhausted, and I'm giving myself this week off from exercise, a week of dissonance at work, a week of re-fueling. This week was going to be week 6 of 6 for my workout program. I would've been able to take a more meaningful hiatus next week.  Oh well, you can't change the past, right? I'll make it up next week and figure out my next plan of action.  But what I think is pretty cool is that as run down as I got, and my body feels like it is shutting down hopefully to recharge, not to get insanely sick, I have still managed to blog this week daily. Better, almost, than I have in previous weeks.  I am particularly proud of my April Fool's post. And I think that where I am in m life, I'm happy that the commitment I made to blogging was the one I was able to keep.  I hope that soon I will have some creative writing things to share instead of just journaling. My intent wasn't to make this a journal, but I did also intend to avoid having a thematic blog, so I guess it fits just perfectly.

I've also noticed that Altoids appear to make me nauseous. That seems very much on the oxymoron side of things.

Payer for a Rainy Wednesday

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for the spring of Spring, the spurts of sun, and the warm rain.  Thank you for the ability to wake up this morning with purpose, the job that hasn't quit on me and I haven't quit on, and for the people in my life near and far who find a way to inspire me, encourage me, support me, love me, and treat me as an equal. Thank you for the challenges in life too, and the free will to decide who and what I want to become in those situations.  Thank you for never giving up on me and helping me to see my potential through each day, circumstance, and helping me to stay humbled during the times when I excel.

Please be with those in my life experiencing hurt right now.  Friends dealing with the loss of a loved one. Comfort them in their time of need and bring the right people into their lives for their situation.  And please stand by the sick.  And the people suffering from the internal struggles of life who may just need someone to smile at them at the grocery store.  Please give the coincidental movie on TV for the people looking for direction.

This is my prayer for today....for me, and for anybody who is in need of a small prayer. ...or a big prayer.

Don't Be Fooled!

For those of you hoping to avoid getting tricked this year for April Fool's Day, I found a way to keep your eyes and ears safe from those horrible pranks. Read this!

The End?

Today marks the end....

The end of my weekend, the end of March, the end of the long hiatus from the MLB season, and the end of CBS's hit show for the past nine years, How I Met Your Mother.

My weekend went pretty well, in that I refused to do anything that had anything to do with what I would consider "work."  No house work, no going to work, no calling work, no nothing. Yesterday it snowed. Today it was sunny and 60, and absolutely gorgeous.  Gotta love the Mid-West weather, huh?  I got me a nice little treat today, watched the Detroit Tigers game, and listened to the Pittsburgh Pirates game. I went for a walk.  Or as I like to call I went on the sewer walk today. It's a good distance down a hill and back up and around again but the route smells SO bad you bring it home with you. Then I had a nice dinner and capped it off with CBS Mondays, which means the finale of How I Met Your Mother.

Honestly, I loved the finale.  I felt cheated with the almost ending, but I loved how the final scene went down. Some things didn't really make sense, but I think it was only my expectations that brought it down. Was it predictable? Probably. But it was everything I should have wanted it to be. More on it later when this isn't so new and it won't be a spoiler for anybody who reads this and might have missed it.

I think this weekend was relaxing enough to get back to the swing of things tomorrow. It's exciting to have a week of working my regular shift for the most part. I think I have one early day, but it's only an hour.

I'm just sitting here watching "All Dogs Go To Heaven" and trying to remember watching it as a kid. It's kind of funny because it's reminding me a lot of "An American Tail" and the kid Ann Marie is a little baby Snow White.

I am very distracted by the movie now. But as always, I will see you tomorrow.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever:

- Felt like your life was probably somebody else's social experiment?
- Been to Opening Day for your local or favorite baseball team?
- Listened to Christmas Music on March 30th?
- Considered a day to be an Epic Fail even when you had no intentions?

To kind of piggy-back off yesterday's post, I'd like to see where I can go considering the first question I posed.  (All the questions where to hopefully put a spark in the air and maybe an idea would take off, but - much like trying to light peanut butter on fire - it's slow rolling).

I wonder what it would be like to feel like somebody's social experiment. Be it somebody you know, love, hate, don't know, or maybe even God Himself. I don't really know that I want to know.  But the good thing about it, I guess, is that you would never actually have to be held accountable for anything.  To be part of an experiment means that all things that happen were planned out, right?  A carefully prepared experiment would be in order if it were to be for social purposes? Consider a previous post of mine, the poem entitled "The Bird In the Bathroom Vent" under that microscope. Sure, maybe I just wanted to see how long you've been reading my blogs, but I think part of it is for me to show that I just saw this connection as well, and instead of writing a new poem (because we all know how painful it is for me to say "I wrote a new poem"), I
can revert to something that maybe I was trying to say before but can say a little better (or a little choppier) now.

I'd like to think that if there is some social experiment going on that I can mess with the evidence enough that one could only prove that random events can happen and nobody can conform to any particular lifestyle.  Everyone is who they are, and nobody else. Why would they want to be somebody else, who would want them to be, and if they were, they wouldn't be them. If we spend too much time thinking about what society wants from us, we're probably going to miss the big picture: What do WE want from us? Bottom line: whoever we have in our lives are people we choose. Whether or not they are good choices are left to be discovered.  That's why we have free will.  But the people that we choose also chose us, or at least we hope they do, or you might end up hitch-hiking home from a prom you didn't want to attend.

Also, I'd like to take a moment to thank those of you who've been stopping by lately. It's about half way to Easter now and I've ....ROUGHLY... been able to blog every day or account for every day with some sort of posting.  Lately it has been tough -- for example, Friday, when I got out of work, came home and napped, went back to work with time to do a little gaming on Facebook, went back to work, came home, collapsed in the chair for the U of M game, then was in bed by 9:30.  But I'm human.

Tomorrow is Opening Day for most baseball teams.  Somebody played tonight, but I was too busy ...listening to Christmas music... to turn that on.  It has been some sort of "epic fail" today, even though I intended to do absolutely nothing all day.  Here's hoping I can watch some good baseball tomorrow. Gonna have to get some baseball themed snacks while I'm out tomorrow. If I do my shopping / errands early enough, I can be home in time for the games I want to watch...which probably all start at 1:05.

Oh yes, I did  (when you get it)

Toxic

First and foremost, I'd like to point out how I feel like I'm cheating on the Red Wings being so excited the Columbus Blue Jackets picked up 2 points tonight. But I feel like the Red Wings and Blue Jackets can both pick up a wild card spot and I would be totally content with that. Unfortunately I think #1 and #2 in the Eastern Conference are Boston and Pittsburgh. We'll see how that goes. But I will be very happy if they both make it, or if either makes it really. I think Columbus is really proving themselves this year as a fierce contender in the Eastern Conference. Proud of the Mid-West boys.

Now I'd like to set the mood, if I may, for the next part of this blog. I come bearing Vanilla Fudge.

Yesterday while doing my daily duties at work, I was in the van. The song I only really know as "The Armageddon Song" came on the radio.  It brought back a flood of memories that essentially just infuriated me:  SENIOR PROM.

The first memory was not so horrible. I had the opportunity to dance with the guy who had competed for and won a prestigious title that may or may not have had any real significance outside of the competition itself.  I believe part of it was a fund raiser. I could be wrong.  I remember carrying around a denture cup I won as a prize in some crazy game in Spanish II.  Maybe I was just being weird? I wonder how off topic I can make this paragraph.  Bottom line: it was the best part of Prom, but it wasn't really all that spectacular -- he had essentially been ditched by his date, and I had decided he should not miss the last dance of prom on account of one of the most toxic people I know.

Then I got to thinking about how I was essentially bribed to go to Prom by said toxic person by an offer to punch another toxic person in my life [still waiting on that one] and also with a date she found who I agreed to on the understanding that it would at least create socializing opportunities. Well, the date backed out after I bought a dress, which was upsetting on account of I hate dresses and didn't even want to go to Prom. Anyways, Obladi Oblada Life Goes On, right?

Then I got to thinking about how I got a ride from "toxic person number two" to Prom and was never informed that she had no intention of bringing me home before she and her friends went on to their post-prom activities. I don't think I was upset for not being invited, but I would have loved to know I needed to make arrangements to get myself home. Lucky for me, the guy I danced with managed to squeeze me in his vehicle full of people before he did his post-prom thing.

I don't think the food was all that great for as long as we had to wait for it.  I want to say it was hands down the more miserable "You HAVE to go! It will be so FUN!" things I've ever attended.

But the reason I bring all this up is because I have recently tried to find myself to be in the company of people that DON'T treat me like the two toxic people unnamed above did. I very recently just gave up on them ... Twelve years after Prom. And they haven't changed, and I haven't changed.  But sometimes you just get caught up in something out of routine and it's all you've ever known.  I'm not going to lie, I'm having a hard time out here meeting people and socializing.  But I feel like I have been so screwed up so many bad choices in friends that i don't want to even try anymore. I don't know.  It's a rough thing.  Especially when you realize that there are only a handful of friends worth coming back to visit or getting in touch with when you're home.  And then there's family, and friends that don't live in your home-town. People that you would love to visit but haven't had the brains or wits to do it.

But I'm trying. I'm not good at meeting people, getting out, or making friends. Nor do I know where to find "nice people who are fun to hang out with" (who preferably can stand to watch a little hockey, baseball, or football).  One time last year during the Penguins Playoff Run I considered joining a group of people who appeared to be my age at a table at the bar I was at just for the sake of meeting people. I chickened out. But I think I am going to promise myself that if I see that group again this year I am going to try to BE more social. I guess the worst thing they could do is laugh at me and tell me to go somewhere else.

...Right?

March 28

March 28 completely didn't exist for me. Sure, there was a Friday, March 28, 2014, [I actually typed Thursday, and yes that day would NOT have really existed] but I actually had an entire day of doing the same thing twice.  As such, the whole day was combined of either working or sleeping, and when time and legality allowed, the two combined. More on that tonight.

You'll Sarcastically Thank Me Later

...this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends....

[this blog, however, is not such a song and will be more exciting in the future, but today is very busy, with slight attempts at relaxation as well]

... Some people started singin' it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because...

Lemonade

A common saying in life is "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

That reminds me of some very very bad lemonade I drank today, [lemon lemonade, for all of you Home Improvement fans out there] but there were two considerations as I choked down the entire cup of it: 1) it was Crystal Light. 2) It was made by a resident and I am in full support of his independence in preparing this lemonade, and I was NOT going to be the one to tell him it was horrible.

And I had this concept of making lemonade out of lemons earlier this week (apparently it was just yesterday, but it feels like it was ages ago) when I decided that I am going to continue listening to Christmas music until it stops snowing and starts acting like Spring outside. And I feel like during Lent it doesn't really hurt to listen to Christmas music sparingly anyways, especially to emphasize the importance of what I consider the "Polar Opposite of Christmas."  I figure Birth and Death are polar opposites, so Christ's birth and death would be the polar opposite holidays. Not to mention they are book ends to Christianity as we know it. And we can't celebrate one without recognizing the other in the process. I have been focused a lot lately on the tune "Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel."  I feel like it is in some ways a transitional song between Christmas and Easter. I wonder how thought provoking, emotional, and fitting it might be during an Easter Drama during the scene of putting Jesus on the cross if the music was "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel. And Ransom Captive Israel. That mourns in lowly exile here. Until the Son of God appear.  Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel. Shall Come to thee oh, Israel!"   Or, maybe that's why I stay away from Stage Productions? I don't know.  It seems awesome in my head.  But case in point, I'm not ashamed to be ringing in Easter with Christmas carols. Or Memorial Day. Or the Fourth of July.  Or Labor Day. Or Columbus Day, and so forth.

Today I woke up with the concept of "making lemons out of lemonade."

How often do you suppose we do that?  Or am I the only one who's going to admit to that.  Not all lemonade is GOOD lemonade, but you don't know if it's good or bad unless you try it. And how many bad lemonades have we ripped apart, back into lemons, analyzing every aspect. How could I have made this better, how could I have done this differently, why did such and such happen or so and so do this? We can't just enjoy even the sweetest things at times.  We always want to know why _____?

I don't know, it's just something on my mind today.  No matter what "making lemons out of lemonade" means to us, it's still something to grapple with, I think.  It could be repressing something that you just can't address or let go of.  But we know what will happen. Those lemons will just rot and fester, and I can't imagine anything more sour than a rotted lemon. It doesn't make it any easier to let go though.

Ironic Enough?

For whatever reason, my instincts have been telling me all day that I should try something amusing today. I don't really know why, but lately I have been toying with the idea of tweaking / updating the song "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisette. I do not necessarily mean to satirize or plagiarize on her work, but merely publicly brainstorm how the song might work in the current day and age.

Is it Still Ironic?
based on music by Alanis Morrissette.

An old man turned 98
He learned to Skype and died the next day
It's a rufie in your hard lemonade
It's turning on Breaking Bad two minutes too late.
And isn't it ironic... don't you think?

Orrrrrr.... maybe I'll just crap out after the first verse.  I guess the point is that I tried, right?  And that since that has been stuck in my head pretty close to all day, I had to put it someplace.  It still got the creative juices moving a little bit.  And what more can you ask for?

Plus, now you're going to have Alanis Morrisette stuck in your head, so you're welcome, and thanks for stopping by!

Boring is Good

Lately I've been having a hard time thinking of things to write about in my daily blogs.  I know they haven't been long or particularly noteworthy, but I still take everything I publish to this blog seriously.

Truth is, actually, life has been pretty boring lately.  But boring is good.  Now, yes, I did get dressed up today and it felt really good to dress in something other than a hoodie and jeans for a change.  It felt good because I feel good about where I am in life right now, I think.  And I did spend most of the day at work then went home when I had planned all day to go do some shopping.

I've been losing weight and working out lately and it's been improving more than just my physical self.  I've been feeling better, more confident, more in control of myself. I've found a way for me to be disciplined but not feel like I'm punishing myself.  I'm to the point now where I don't have to withhold fast food and soda to lose weight, and I have the self control to not eat out daily or have 3-4 cans of Coke a day. And I don't really see anybody outside of work, so it's not like I'm doing it to impress anyone.  I've just decided to take charge of my life.

I've been using my Roku to stream NetFit.TV right on my TV.  Carl Comeaux is an amazing trainer who pushes you without being "too tough."  He shapes your mind through the workouts and teaches you as well.  I owe my success mostly to myself for staying determined, but a huge thank you goes out to Carl for teaching me and encouraging me and making me feel like a person in the workout room. The motto is to always give your personal best, and when you give your personal best you will get the most results. I would like to encourage everyone to sign up, even if they just do the 30-day Free Trial and quit.  But I started with the 12-week Body Transformation program and am nearly done with Summer Shred. Trainers are available via e-mail on the website to answer questions and still offer encouragement on a personal level.

"Try and fail, but don't fail to try" is one of my favorite things Carl says during the workouts. I hope you give it a try, or at least look into it. I just want you to feel as great as I do.

Flash(y) Poetry

Writers Rage AKA Roadblock.

The blinding white,
the blinking cursor.
Where to go from here?

A blank canvas,
endless possibilities.
Where to start?

Blinding, Blinking,
blank.
Cursor, Canvas,
Possibilities.
Where?

Running from only gets us half as far as running to.

Keep your eye on the prize,
the finish line.

Fine.

I Always Say...

"That's a big part of my book about ____"  

But there's no book.  Not even a draft or an excerpt.

So here's the beginning of what may or may not ever turn into anything... A narrative about Taylor Swift and our love / hate relationship.  I use the terms love, hate, and relationship very loosely. Almost a year ago, a friend and I came up with a very entertaining list of titles for the book.  Do you think I can remember them now?  You know I can't.

Chapter One: "There's Gotta Be a Better Title than 'Chapter One'"

I had recently moved to Pittsburgh.  I joke around about how I used to have to drive "to Grandmother's house" to get to work.  You know... over the river and through the woods with an added bonus of up a hill and around some curves.  My cousin had made a CD for me and I listened to it faithfully, especially when I would get home sick.  There was just one problem:  The first half was all Taylor Swift.  I can get through some of her music without feeling nauseous.  "Picture To Burn" came on as I was crossing the Highland Park Bridge.  Next thing I know, my face is twitching, my shoulder's twitching.  I had what I have since referred to over a hundred times as a "Taylor Swift Seizure."  Something about her voice must get me in that way.

Take for example, instance number two.

I was at work hanging out in the garage with a couple of my residents.  One of which enjoys me finding and playing music on my phone.  No, it's not a smart phone, so essentially it was me finding ring tones that I thought he would enjoy, including a game we played frequently called "Guess the TV Theme Song."  Well, we had moved to Christmas Songs.  I have always liked the song "Last Christmas." And I saw a Taylor Swift version of this song.  Now, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially as it relates to Christmas, so I gave it a shot.  Would you believe that it turned into a bigger "seizure?"  I had an uncontrollable shoulder shrug / arm thing that resembled a fairly goofy dance and my residents still mimic it to this day.

The End of Chapter One As We Know It.

Well, that was traumatic for all of us, I'm sure.  But what we should focus on is that I made an effort to start something as opposed to procrastinating like I have done for almost an entire year. So, I challenge you to do something similar.  Find something that you may or may not be able to accomplish and make a valiant effort to initiate it.  It may be exactly what I did, making a small list to elaborate on later.  Even a to-do list is better than a mental note, right? I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

A Note on The Special Olympics

Earlier I write about the Paralympic Games in Sochi and compared it to when I watched the Special Olympics many years ago.   I was going through some old notes on Facebook, and I came across this. It's from 4/17/08.  But lately I've been having the same kind of thoughts in my head and this really kind of sums it up.  I don't have to even read it.... So if you don't think it fits in, maybe that's my lack of pre-reading my own work.  But, here it is....

I Want to Be in Last Place - Kelley Shepherd

How often is it that when you enter a contest, or a game, or a series of contests and games that you are proud of yourself for coming in last place? Don’t you just love the feeling of knowing that nobody finished after you? Well, to some people – most good sportsmen should be included – it’s not always about how you finish, but that you were there to play. 

Today I went to watch the 2008 Special Olympics held at Saginaw Valley State University. I had never been to an event like that, and I’ve been trying my hardest to keep an open mind about things lately, so I was a little bit excited to see what I have been missing out on watching. I have had some opportunities to attend this type of event (since it was held at the college I graduated from and will be attending again in the up-coming fall semester) but never once thought about attending. My co-worker informed me this morning that two clients would be participating in the Special Olympics, and later one of the participating clients told me they were going there. I asked where they were held and she said down the road from school, which would be somewhere in New Lothrop or Chesaning. When my boss came in, she told me that she and I would be taking the client who doesn’t go to school to watch the Special Olympics. 
When we got in there, everything seemed like a mess. Developmentally challenged people were everywhere. This didn’t scare me, or make me uncomfortable, because I’ve gotten used to my job and being around people who have special needs. There were some people on the winner’s podium, but nobody really saying what was going on. I thought, “Oh great, we came all the way out here to see our client and we won’t even know how to find her.” Only one of the clients ended up going. I saw some people who worked at my old high school, but didn’t get an opportunity to say hello. 

Looking around, I had no idea who any of the people were, or what they were going to participate in. I didn’t even know what our client was going to participate in. The client we brought to watch was having behavioral issues and that made me wonder if I would even enjoy myself. After meandering around for awhile, I saw a familiar face: A schoolmate from high school that was in the special education classes. I used to talk to her almost every morning before school started and after classes were done at the end of the day. She was always so excited to talk to me, so I decided to take a trip down memory lane. 
Obviously, I didn’t expect her to remember me by name, but I asked her anyways. She said she remembered me so I asked if she did remember my name. She told me I was somebody who I’ve never heard of, so I re-introduced myself. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I ever told her my name or if she ever asked me while we were in school together. She told me what events she was doing and asked me if I was going to watch her. I said I would try to see her events, and I watched her do a “walk,” in which she ran her heart out and I cheered and clapped for her as she ran by me. I’m pretty sure she got second place. I don’t remember if I talked to her again, but I saw her with a ribbon on. 

After talking and watching the race, my boss and I looked for our client in the mix. When we saw her we tried to get in the area where the school had congregated. When the client saw my boss, her face lit up. She was shouting and waving and coming over to see us. Then she saw me and the other client and got even more excited. She was clapping and saying “I’m in the Special Olympics!” over and over again. She was so happy, and it was just because we showed up to watch. 

During the lunch intermission, another special education student from my old school crossed my path. This one knew exactly who I was. He gave me a big hug and we talked about his family, where he’s going to school now, and what he’s been up to. He treated my boss like he had known her for years. She asked him to repeat where his sister works and he interpreted it as her trying to remember his sister and said, “You’d know her if you saw her face,” and we laughed. We weren’t laughing at him, but the situation was funny. He showed me what events he was going to do, but I didn’t make it over to see any of his. 

Our client’s event was a little bit after lunch time got over. So we pushed the other client’s wheelchair over to where the event was being held. She was participating in softball toss. We had a camera and got some pictures of her throwing the ball and standing in line. When she got done throwing, she was so proud of herself. She’s 56 years old and has the mental capacity of a four or five year old. She smiled the entire time and jumped around in excitement when she finished her throw, and then turned to cheer on her opponent. 

When the event was over, our client received a 5th place ribbon. She was just as excited as when she threw the softball. She knew she got 5th place, but it was all about having a place. It was about being selected and rewarded. It wasn’t about competing to see who had a better throw, who was better than anybody else, or who won even. Everybody wins. Not because it’s the Special Olympics, but because they participate. Any situation is like that, really. We don’t always need to be humble like people say. In humility you have to admit that there’s a potential that somebody is better than you. But why bother considering anything better or worse than anything else? The fact is that we “play the game” – the game of life, as cliché as it is – and that we try. Coldplay refers to the lyric “If you never try, then you never know,” in most of the songs played on the radio stations. It’s because we all need reassurance that it’s OK to try something. It’s OK to fail even. Because, even if we come in last place, it means we finished. And there is no reason we can’t be proud of that. 

The Jackets Keep On Winning

'Cause I gotta have faith!  =)  Today also contained what was probably the most excited I've ever been during PensPredictor Txts where I predicted more shots allowed and the Penguins lost .... To the Detroit Red Wings.  There's all kinds of March madness going on here!

Speaking of which, I've got a bracket going for that.  I joined in with a group supporting the fight against blood cancers -- the Team in Training for the Boston Marathon sponsored by the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  It's not about the winning, it's about the battle, and I think that concept is evident in this group.

I remember walking around at work today with something on my mind and thinking I had to remember that so I could blog about it because I don't have such capabilities there. I have yet to remember more than thinking I should remember something. Other times I think of the greatest things to write down are: in the middle of my dreams, while I'm driving, or that brilliant moment between having the idea 10 feet away from the computer and having it vaporize with each step and completely gone by the time I sit down.  A mental SBD, if you will.  If you don't know what an SBD is, I respect you that much more.

So I'm just going to leave you with this thought.

Today was the first day of Spring, I think we had a high of 40.  It snowed. Another point for the jackets.

And So It Goes...

Seems I was right.  The past couple days have been a blur and when I finally woke up from it all it was Thursday.  Rather, it is Thursday. And I'm still not sure the fog has faded.

I'm going to call this my blog for yesterday and come back to blogging after work tonight for today.

That Awkward Moment...

That awkward moment when it's time to update your blog but you get highly distracted by the fact that there are a couple hockey games on that you're more than interested in watching but only have a little bit of time because there is no adjective known to man to describe the potential for your current week at work and you don't really know if it's going to get better or worse but it doesn't really matter cause as long as it's only five days long "it could be worse" and you know that's a true story because you've had plenty of weeks that lasted longer than five days and then when you do sit down to write your blog you don't really have anything to say except for how everything seems pretty fast paced this week and you close your eyes and next thing you know it's Thursday which is cool cause that means there's only two more days before you're off again and you can watch hockey like the game going on right now which is actually at intermission and you're sitting here thinking hurry up and finish a sentence so you can change the channel without distracting yourself from the thought that you have to write your blog even though there's not a whole lot to say and it will probably only be one sentence if you can muster even that much.

Hooray For Mail!

(Mail is finally pretty much caught up)!

I finally got my CTFxC is For Haters hoodie today.  It only took over three months.

Overall today was a good Monday.  I haven't really got anything to say today.  It's been a long day -- not particularly bad, in fact it was pretty good.  I got a Christmas Card in the mail too.  That was also supposed to be delivered in January.  And I got a Barnes & Noble Gift Card.  But that was on time.

So that's pretty much been my day.  Sorry it's a boring blog today. I'll have more effort for you in the next couple days.  Tomorrow may not be anything extravagant due to work conflict, but I don't want to write myself off yet.

Oh, yeah, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to those who are celebrating.

A Few Words on The Paralympic Games.

Yesterday was a big day for a host of people, and I don't mean in the same way as my earlier post might suggest.  How many of you were aware that yesterday was the Gold Medal game for the Paralympic Sled-Hockey Games?   How many of you knew that there were Paralympic Games in general going on, and that they took place in Socchi just as the Olympics did?  Or that this is not a new thing going on -- the Paralympics?

Well, I'm one of the people who, up til yesterday afternoon, never really knew they existed, or paid them any mind until I actually sat down to watch the second half of the third period of the Gold Medal game featuring USA and Russia.  I've heard of the Special Olympics, and have attended a Special Olympics event at Saginaw Valley State University back in 2009, or something like that.

I couldn't believe what I was watching, to be honest, and not at all in a "this is ridiculous" sort of way, by any means, either. I thought it was a little ridiculous that I had never knew about it or paid attention to it before. And I didn't know if I should be angry at the media for not covering it or angry at myself for trying to think I should be told everything and not finding it out on my own.  I couldn't believe that it took an "I just happened to notice a Facebook post that the game was going to be on NBC" moment for me to notice.

Then, while watching these players rely solely on their upper body strength and fierce mentality to overcome obstacles and compete for a prestigious gold medal, I only wished I had paid attention sooner.  I wished I had been watching the complete Paralympic Games.  I wondered if they were made available to me had I wanted to or knew they were going on. Watching that game reminded me of watching the Canada v. Sweden Gold Medal games just weeks prior.  The disappointment the Swedes had when they came in second seemed to outweigh their overall appreciation to be where they were.  To watch Finland beat the US the day before and to see the pride in winning the Bronze Medal. And the intoxication of the Canadians as they joyously belted out "Oh, Canada" during the medal ceremony.  None of that seemed to shine at all in comparison to the smiles on the faces of the Russians as they claimed the Silver medal in front of their home crowd yesterday during the Paralympic games.

And it's just amazing, awesome, and inspiring to see how much drive these men had given the obstacles they had to overcome in life aside from their Olympic spirit. And they were so young! Sometimes I think we forget about the spirit of the game and focus on the result...the medal.... and we forget that even making the list counts for something.  And furthermore, these games make me realize how much in life we overlook. How much we take for granted.  And I work with special needs adults who have so much to give and I learn so much from them and don't even see them as disabled, but I still take things for granted.  It's so easy to complain about any little thing.  And everybody has a rough patch in life and should be given the release of complaining every so often, but there are so many people in the world that have a reason to complain but still find the thing to keep them going.

It's a slippery slope, this place I've put myself now, and I'm pointing it out only to teach myself a lesson in the long run, I guess.  But I feel like there should be less categorizing going on, too.  For me, it should be more about embracing similarities than labeling differences.  [i don't know why, but right now I am fighting a "delete all" gut feeling and trying to fight through it....I hope I'm not coming off poorly at this point.  I sure hope I have a point too!]

Anyways, I would just like to put out a congratulatory post to the Men's Sled Hockey medalists from the United States, Russia, and Canada.  I feel guilty to have only seen eight minutes of this entire Paralympic Games but I feel educated now with their existence and I hope that I have let somebody else in on what is hopefully not the Olympics' best kept secret.  Congratulations to all Olympians!  [I say this like an Olympian is going to read this. But you never know, right?]