Friday, December 12, 2014

So much to say and no words to say them

I've got so much on my mind this week, I don't even know what's going on. I don't know up from down, left from right, but I'm not finding myself upset with that. I don't know if that should scare me or not. I don't know how anything should make me feel anymore. I guess we can attribute that to my being a person who thrives on the Christmas Spirit and only getting spurts of Christmas Spirit.

It's hard to be happy when you know others are miserable, but at the same time it's easy to be miserable when others are incredibly happy too. Or maybe that's me. Maybe I'm so oppositional, with Devil's advocate always on hand, that I can't let myself feel what others are feeling. They say when it rains it pours. But maybe what I need is a little Christmas Snow to get me moving.

I've got a very important meeting on Monday morning. I'm not ready to get anxious for it yet (either in a good or bad way) but it's definitely altered how I've looked at the last week.  Overall, it's been a good one. So few hiccups I really have no excuse to feel so blah right now.

Ultimately, I'm mad at myself at this point for squandering an entire opportunity to do things I love. Writing, for example. The past few days, all I've wanted to do was write. Write what? I don't know...but the mood has been, well, right. Rather, the setting has been right. The mood, however, has been this warped sense of "make yourself busy, do something, be productive." which of course, remember my oppositional ability, took all the fun out of everything...up to and including, writing.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. That of course means a handsome sum of times watching Love Actually. And I caught myself entirely IN the movie...Passionate, motivated, ready to conquer anything like the Prime Minister going door-to-door, Sam at the airport, Colin Frizzle going to America, Jamie learning Portuguese, or Mark "Christmas Caroling." But no, I find myself being Sarah. In a world where things are within reach, making no effort and trying to use the one thing she can hold on to and love (her brother) as an excuse to avoid doing anything for herself. And thanks to that, I've been unable to let go of my excuse and do something emotionally productive.

I could've done anything I wanted this week. But I didn't. I did feel spurts of amusement, don't get me wrong, I didn't watch movies that I hate. I didn't hate any of the movies I watched either. (yes, check yourself, those two sentences are very different). And, now I'm writing. And it's the thing I've been trying to do...the thing I've been so ashamed to have not been doing lately that I couldn't just reach out and grab something to write with. And it's invigorating. It's like Hugh Grant says, "often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy [...] if you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  Or it's something like that....writing makes me inspired. That's enough for me.

With any luck, this will be the beginning of my return to blogging. I have very VERY badly missed it, even when I didn't have anything to say. And with any more luck, I'll be writing something worth reading in the process (but don't hold your breath, I clearly write for me, not for an audience, hahaha).